A deadly meatwave swept through the Chicago area over the weekend, leaving an estimated 40 residents dead of steaks, chops, ribs, bacon, and various other forms of meat exhaustion.

»The excessively high level of pork loins, sirloin tips, bratwurst, and other meats was indisputably the number-one factor in these deaths,« said Chicago mayor Richard Daley, speaking from his temporary command center at Ruth's Chris Steak House on North Dearborn Street. »Most of these people consumed a considerable fraction of their weight in animal flesh before ultimately succumbing to meatstroke.«

The meatwave victims' causes of death have ranged from cardiac beefurcation to smoked-sausage inhalation. There has even been one confirmed indirect meat-related fatality, a 51-year-old man who died from a catastrophic smothering in mushrooms and onions.

read full story…